Donald Trump live-tweets ‘Star Trek Beyond’

Beyond Trump
Below is a transcript of Donald Trump’s Twitter feed as he watched “Star Trek Beyond” at a recent screening.

  • This is going to be one of the all-time best movie reviews. I have the best words.
  • The Bad Robot logo is one of the worst logos in all of Hollywood. Total disaster from JJ Abrams. I always hire the best graphic designers.
  • Stupid Jim Kirk STILL in charge of Enterprise. After what happened 3 yrs ago in San Fran he should’ve been tried for treason! Unbelievable!
  • Kirk went against the military’s brave Admiral Marcus and instead sided with a terrorist and thousands died b/c of it. #LockKirkUp
  • I’d help San Francisco rebuild SO FAST. I’ve built beautiful buildings all over the world and would rebuild Starfleet HQ better than ever!
  • Jim Kirk has some real daddy issues. This guy is just a total loser. He should never have been put in charge of a UFP starship.
  • Uhura really is a beautiful woman. She’s no Ivanka but still a solid 8. She should’ve accepted my Miss Universe offer.
  • Uhura can do so much better than Pointy Eared Spock. I don’t understand what’s going on there. Trusting Vulcans = DANGEROUS.
  • Ever since Vulcan was destroyed, refugees have been flooding Earth and taking our jobs. And the president does NOTHING. SAD!
  • So, so many Vulcans coming to Earth illegally! They’re bringing logic, they’re bringing mind melds, and some, I assume, are good people.
  • If I was UFP president, I would build a big, beautiful forcefield with a phase inverter right in the middle. And Vulcan would pay for it.
  • Yorktown Base is an amazing, beautiful place. Reminds me of Trump Tower. I would absolutely bring a wonderful golf course to Yorktown.
  • They never showed the title of this movie. Movies that never show the title until the end are goofy like Elizabeth Warren.
  • Stupid Jim Kirk is such a loser and a quitter, but I say let him go. There are 100s of captains more worthy of his job.
  • Why is Stupid Jim Kirk believing this alien woman’s story and putting his crew at risk to help? BAD IDEA! We have our own problems, folks.
  • Stupid Kirk just got his ship attacked and boarded. This guy is completely clueless. If I was captain, attack would’ve been stopped FAST.
  • Brave military under my leadership would’ve crushed alien invasion and knocked the hell out of them. Not Kirk. He abandons his ship!
  • Enterprise totally destroyed b/c of Kirk incompetence. Total disaster! Kirk should be forced to pay for that ship instead of taxpayers.
  • Dr McCoy is a real American hero. He understands trusting Pointy Eared Spock is DANGEROUS but still does the right thing and saves his life.
  • That alien woman is a liar and still Stupid Jim Kirk trusts what she says instead of knocking the hell out of her. Smh #NeverKirk
  • Enterprise crew has been captured and now is being held in a prison camp. This just keeps getting worse and worse. I alone could fix.
  • Why is Kirk going back to the crashed ship to get the artifact? Doesn’t he get that he’s helping the enemy? Stupid and waste of time!
  • I gotta say, Krall gets it. He understands that UFP is a disaster and that Earth pays for everything! Andoria never pays its fair share!
  • Andorians and Tellarites are just KILLING us on trade. As president, I’d renegotiate stupid UFP trade deals on Day 1! #MakeEarthGreatAgain
  • I respect Krall. He seems like a strong leader. He’s definitely better than the stupid leaders we have. Biased media would never admit that.
  • For a guy without emotions, Spock really seems bothered by the death of that old Vulcan. But then trusting a Vulcan is DANGEROUS.
  • I like the woman with the black and white makeup. Without that makeup I bet she’s probably very attractive.
  • Remarking on her attractiveness will probably get me in trouble with the biased media which is so unfair and politically correct.
  • Scotty is played by English actor @SimonPegg. He wrote this movie because now we outsource our scripts too, thanks to stupid trade deals.
  • The U.K. at least woke up and took their country back with #Brexit. Earth in this movie should do the same. #Federexit
  • I don’t believe the Franklin has been on this planet for 100 years. I think people will be very, very surprised when they learn the truth.
  • Just watched that ensign give up the artifact to Krall, then he killed her. Sad and disgraceful! Typical of Stupid Kirk’s weak leadership.
  • National Enquirer says Kirk’s father was present at UFP president’s assassination. It’s something people have been talking very much about.
  • Kirk’s overrated mentor Christopher Pike, who was captured and tortured by Romulans, was not a war hero. I like people who weren’t captured!
  • Spock = untrustworthy. To this day he has never released his birth certificate. Are we sure he is even Vulcan and not ROMULAN?
  • Stupid Jim Kirk’s plan to rescue his crew on a motorcycle is one of the dumbest plans ever. All the polls agree with me!
  • Krall’s swarm fleet was just defeated by cooperation between an idiot and an illegal immigrant. Political correctness at its finest!
  • Wow! Krall used to be HUMAN and is EX-MILITARY and he is the movie’s bad guy. Yet another biased example of anti-military Hollywood elites!
  • The lives nearly lost at Yorktown prove why we need to ban aliens from Earth until we can take a look and figure out what’s going on there.
  • After stunning displays of incompetence, Starfleet awards Stupid Jim Kirk a brand new ship. Typical! The system is RIGGED for Kirk!
  • That was just an absolutely terrible movie. Way overrated by the biased politically correct press. It sure was no Citizen Kane!

Needless disclaimer: This is obviously a parody.

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17 comments on this post

Marc
Monday, August 1, 2016, 10:30 pm (UTC -5)

Could have been a great novelty Twitter account. Total wasted opportunity. SAD!

Paul M.
Tuesday, August 2, 2016, 4:47 am (UTC -5)

Well this was fun!

Lord Garth
Tuesday, August 2, 2016, 6:28 am (UTC -5)

That was classic!

Eric
Tuesday, August 2, 2016, 2:59 pm (UTC -5)

Awesome

Brandon
Tuesday, August 2, 2016, 3:11 pm (UTC -5)

MUCH LULZ

bhbor
Wednesday, August 3, 2016, 1:31 am (UTC -5)

So nerrrrrrrdy! I love it. Nice piece. Makes me wonder which Star Trek species Trump would likely be?..

Maybe one of those “we have Geordi, we are smart” fellas

Lord Garth
Wednesday, August 3, 2016, 12:21 pm (UTC -5)

He’s a Ferengi.

bhbor
Wednesday, August 3, 2016, 12:49 pm (UTC -5)

I don’t see it. I get what you mean about the “business man” persona, but Trump’s image is too big and masculine for ferengi to fit.

chris l
Wednesday, August 3, 2016, 8:27 pm (UTC -5)

Nick try Jammer, but you did not write this. It is obviously straight from Trump’s Twitter feed. 😄

MidshipmanNorris
Thursday, August 4, 2016, 10:59 am (UTC -5)

Pffffffffffft

Looks like this is what happens when Justin Lin tries to Make Star Trek Great Again.

Just based on the reviews and what y’all have said here, 13 is the unlucky number, and this will be the second Star Trek movie made in my lifetime that I will be skipping…though I might’ve been in the womb to see Star Trek: The Motion Picture, and I dunno if I saw Wrath of Khan either cuz I was at that crying at night and needing to be changed stage. But I recall seeing Star Trek III, IV…not V…VI, Generations, First Contact, Insurrection, and yes, Nemesis too. I saw 2009, Into Darkness…

I’m just gonna wait till it pops up on Netflix. What a shame.

My feeling, now that we have a trilogy on our hands, is that we started with a heaping dose of 12% Star Trek, then moved down to 5.5% Star Trek. This sounds like they’ve inched it back up to 12%, but what I want is 80 proof Star Trek that’ll really knock me for a loop.

Just like the Twilight Zone, Star Trek had this way of blowing your mind, taking the top of your head clean off, with it’s revelations in terms of plot points and forcing you to “think outside the box.”

These three movies ain’t got that. They’re pretty, all right, and loud and hard-hitting, but they ain’t got the brains for Trek. Ya gotta have some brains to make Trek.

The best Trek Movies are II, IV, VI, First Contact, and 2009 in my opinion, and in that order. They’re good because they mix stylistic brush strokes and punchy, well-paced dialogue and exposition with *brains*. Things have to make sense within the established parameters of the sci fi setting, or they at least have to sound like they make sense. Moral dilemmas and emotional scenes are thoughtfully explored and plotted out effectively, as in, they relate to the overarching plot.

The 3 NewTrek movies do not have the cohesion and thought put into them that I’ve come to expect from Star Trek. 2009 had a good mix of hard decisions and dramatic prices to be paid with all the action and flash (if you’ll pardon the mention of it)…but doesn’t it seem like some kind of bigwig is going around the Star Trek film sets with demographics in his hand, making trouble for everyone?

“We wanna see more of this, and one of these, and it’ll come out of the overall budget you already have, and you’ll have to figure out how to make it work, that’s your job, I’m just telling you what the numbers are telling me, you want to keep your job you better do what I say,” etc…

Colloquially referred to as “Executive Meddling.”

…Anyhow, there’s a new Trek Series on the horizon, and it would seem the lunatics are running the asylum for a change. Bryan “Bride of Chaotica” Fuller and Nick *freaking* Meyer are doing this, and if anyone knows about getting shoved around by execs with clipboards (smartphones?) in their hands, it’s these guys.

It seems like the NewTrek might consider retiring itself at this point, but I’m just gonna bet there’s some hobgoblin at the company saying “We hired these actors for this many films and we’re getting our money’s worth, who cares what it does to the reputation of the series, this is kiddie popcorn entertainment anyway.”

Star Trek: Discovery. Where no script has gone before.

Mollari
Sunday, August 7, 2016, 5:31 am (UTC -5)

Who wrote this for Jammer? Did Hillary’s script writers write it? I’d like to see his wife blog something.

Yanks
Wednesday, August 10, 2016, 9:50 am (UTC -5)

HAHA!!! Nice Jammer.

Qualls
Monday, August 15, 2016, 2:52 pm (UTC -5)

This really was brilliant. Jammer, you must have read an unpleasantly high number of Trump Tweets to so perfectly capture his essence. Well done!

Edax
Thursday, November 17, 2016, 2:37 pm (UTC -5)

Not so funny anymore now that this is a picture of the New America.

Lord Garth
Sunday, November 20, 2016, 9:29 pm (UTC -5)

Yeah. It’ll to be a LONG four years. Even if Trump doesn’t make it all the way, we’ll have President Pence.

Robert
Tuesday, January 17, 2017, 12:50 pm (UTC -5)

Apparently my office blocks comments to this page but not any of the other ones. SAD! Ah, well… should anyone from that other thread want to reply to me I’ll read it in a few hours 🙂

Yanks
Thursday, January 26, 2017, 3:55 pm (UTC -5)

The Donald… get on the train!!

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