Go Daddy and Danica Patrick are the opposite of awesome
I’ve about reached the end of my patience with Danica Patrick. Specifically, Danica Patrick teamed with Go Daddy to be an annual Super Bowl institution exercising tired and unfunny assumptions about the Lowest Common Denominator. Has anything ever played on such a dumb and repetitive brain-dead premise (“Hey, guys who watch football also like hot chicks in tank tops! You know, like at Hooters!) and so quickly become so utterly forced, predictable, and eye-roll worthy?
(The answer to that question, by the way, is: Why, yes, of course about a million things have achieved a similar feat of comparable eye-rolling lameness. This is just one such excellent example.)
I don’t remember when Go Daddy first rolled out its chicks-sell-domain-names ad campaign for the Super Bowl, but it’s probably been at least five years now. Or 10. Or 50. (How old is the Internet again?)
The campaign the last two or three years has been a lame cutaway from an “escalating” situation of Extreme Supposed Hotness, as a girl rips off her shirt to reveal a Go Daddy tank top underneath, accompanied by a sudden cut to a black screen with the Go Daddy logo, and a promise of “seeing more” at GoDaddy.com. Always, the references to the online continuation implores us to exercise extreme caution: “WARNING: WEB CONTENT UNRATED!” Because it’s just too hot for TV, we tell ya! These ads are not edgy. They are the opposite of edgy.
Now, I have not actually viewed one of the “unrated” web-only ads, because I’m not dumb enough to waste my time being a lemming and following a stupid ad campaign to the Internet where it certainly will get even stupider (*). But the way I figure it, “unrated” is a way for the TV commercial to say: Hey, we promise you’re going to get to see softcore porn, but we’re lying, because what you will actually get is an extended version of what you have already seen, and it will be no more crazy or unairable than what was on TV! Because we’re a big, safe corporation that spends $3 million for 30 seconds of air time, not a company that’s going to air risque content, even though we could!
Unrated means, just and only that: NOT RATED. This just in: This blog posting is “unrated.” As is everything I or anyone else has ever written on the Internet or posted on YouTube. Unrated = BFD.
* Although, I am dumb enough to waste my time complaining about the dumbness of these commercials in my blog. (Come to think of it, given that, I’ll go look at the online commercial right now to see if I was right or wrong. … Okay, back now. Turns out that I was even more right than I could possibly have predicted. The extended ad is strictly PG material. It’s merely a lot longer and embarrassing and makes it that much more noticeable how godawful the acting and directing is.)
I say all this, ironically enough, as a satisfied, current, paying customer of Go Daddy (for domain name registrations only, not for hosting solutions), where I have nearly a dozen domain names registered, including both JammersReviews.com and JammersBlog.com, as well as legacy domains like st-hypertext.com and idwid.com. (I find Go Daddy’s domain management tools are simple, inexpensive, and effective.)
But I don’t like these commercials because they are tired, worn-out, so obvious as to be contemptible, and so lame as to deserve being mocked. If you’re Go Daddy and spending $3 million per 30-second spot during the Super F***ing Bowl, at least write these commercials in such a way that it doesn’t seem like a computer program slapped together something random out of the following phrases: Go Daddy, Danica Patrick, girl, tank top, torn off.