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Get out of the hashtag business, TV networks

Okay. Can the TV networks just dispense with the ham-handed attempts at creating futile Twitter synergy by cramming hashtag phrases down our throats?

I’m sitting here, against all better judgment, surfing the web on my laptop while I have TBS on in the background, where the terrible, terrible hack sitcom “Men At Work” is on, and in the corner of the screen, the TBS geniuses have put up the hashtag “#gibbsvsmilo” because the plot centers on a lame-brained something where Gibbs and Milo are characters, you see, and they are versus-ing against each other in comically hilarious ways. Over some chick, or something. Because guys are such guys!

By the way, did I mention this show is just awful? God. Awful.

Back to the hashtags. I see this all the time on TV shows. The networks invent some two- or three-word phrase tying into the TV show, throw a hashtag in front of it, and pretend it’s some sort of social movement that all the cool kids are going to be talking about.

I’m thinking that if you are tweeting anything that contains “#gibbsvsmilo” then you need to have your social networking license revoked, because you are neither social nor networking. You’re in a vacuum tweeting something lame that a corporation has tricked you into thinking was worth 10 seconds of your time. (Or 10 minutes of mine, in writing this pointless gripe post.) Probably most of the people tweeting these phrases are on the media company payroll, having been forced as part of their job to try to make it look like their hashtag of the hour has any sort of traction.

Just stop it. You’re embarrassing yourselves.

If you get hurt trying this, you can’t sue

Of all the fine print that appears in that small narrow sans-serif white print with black drop-shadow at the bottom of the screen during television commercials, my favorite has to be the one that, for various reasons depending on the activities being depicted, says, “Do not attempt.”

Sunday is the Super Bowl. Count how many of these examples you see during the course of the game.

You know, commercials where multiple cars are being driven through wide-open non-roads in the middle of the desert at 90 mph and then do 180-degree spins while passing each other in opposite directions. “Professional driver on closed course. Do not attempt.” Yes, because I have access to desert expanses of non-roads where I like to go driving my $60,000 luxury vehicle with my friends and their matching $60,000 vehicles. (Read more…)

To grandmother’s house we go!

Red Riding Hood
Amanda Seyfried is going to grandmother’s house. (Warner Bros. photo)

You can call this post what it is — a snarky, sight-unseen prejudgment of something that just looks stupid on its face.

I’m talking about the making of “Red Riding Hood” into a Hollywood “thriller” starring Amanda Seyfried in the title role, and I think involving a werewolf.


With any luck, the werewolf, if there is one (and I don’t know that there is; I did NOT consult the Google on the Internets for a plot description), will be played by Taylor Whatshisface, in a crossover appearance from the Twilight franchise.

(And speaking of Twilight, why did they have to go and split the last book into two movies which I’ll now have to sit through with my wife? Greedy Hollywood bastards!) (Read more…)

MLB: Just add instant replay already

So, last night, Armando Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers threw a perfect game. Except it wasn’t a perfect game, because with two outs in the bottom of the ninth — you couldn’t write fiction this implausible — first-base umpire Jim Joyce blew the call. And Joyce admitted after the game that he blew the call. So what should have been the 21st perfect game in the history of Major League Baseball is instead the most infamous one-hitter in the history of Major League Baseball.

Wow. Just, wow.

Today, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig said he wouldn’t reverse the blown call because, apparently, that would open up a can of worms that would bring the sport of Major League Baseball to a grinding halt. Or something. (Read more…)

Who needs the iPad? Nobody, I’m sure.

iPad. Who cares.The wonderful iPad. Frankly, iDontGiveADamn.

The headline pretty much says it all. What is the point of the iPad? I think this may be the perfect example of the consumer product that exists first and foremost to fleece its buyers out of their money. Goal #2: To convince them that it’s great in the absence of these customers having better reasons for living.

Too cynical? Perhaps. Granted, the last thing I should probably do is dare to question the uber-smart-and-savvy Steve Jobs. After all, every high-tech, game-changing, mega-hyped, life-altering, blockbuster piece of techo-wizardry that Apple has released in the past decade has been a slam-bang success, right? (Read more…)

’24’: The lamentable Dana Walsh situation

24 Season 8Brian Hastings (Mykelti Williamson) and Dana Walsh (Katee Sackhoff) do counter-terrorist stuff at CTU in season eight of “24.”

Word is, this is going to end up being the last season for 24. Based on what we’ve seen this season, I’m thinking that wouldn’t be such a bad idea, especially if it allows the show to just get it over with and become a movie franchise.

24 as a series has gotten awfully long in the tooth, and clearly it has simply run out of ideas. The question is not whether the show will surprise us, but whether the show will be entertaining enough in recycling itself to deliver respectably for an hour. I’m not sure what’s worse: The general malaise of this season, or the haphazardly messy multiple shark-jumping of season six. Season eight has so far merely alternated between the typically competent 24 action moments, plenty of mediocre beats, and lots of filler. (Read more…)

Go Daddy and Danica Patrick are the opposite of awesome

Go DaddyHi, I’m Danica Patrick. Check this shit out (Fig. 1): I will now sell you a domain name by staring intensely at you through your computer screen and hypnotizing you with my extremely undeniable Danica Patrick-ness. Because nothing says “domain names” quite like generic girls in tank tops, me, my awesomeness, and auto racing. Boo-yah.

I’ve about reached the end of my patience with Danica Patrick. Specifically, Danica Patrick teamed with Go Daddy to be an annual Super Bowl institution exercising tired and unfunny assumptions about the Lowest Common Denominator. Has anything ever played on such a dumb and repetitive brain-dead premise (“Hey, guys who watch football also like hot chicks in tank tops! You know, like at Hooters!) and so quickly become so utterly forced, predictable, and eye-roll worthy?

(The answer to that question, by the way, is: Why, yes, of course about a million things have achieved a similar feat of comparable eye-rolling lameness. This is just one such excellent example.)

I don’t remember when Go Daddy first rolled out its chicks-sell-domain-names ad campaign for the Super Bowl, but it’s probably been at least five years now. Or 10. Or 50. (How old is the Internet again?) (Read more…)

‘Doorbusters’: Shame on you

Okay. So you all know about my dislike of “Black Friday” hype from my previously posted complaints, from both my own personal experience as well as from madness in the headlines.

But I just can’t let it go. This year, I must register my distaste over a particular persisting word associated with the Black Friday madness:

“Doorbuster.” (Read more…)

And this year’s winner for Douchebag Theme Song is…

“Don’t Trust Me” by 3OH!3, featuring these winner lyrics. At the risk of sounding like an out-of-touch-with-today’s-youth kinduva guy (you know, someone who might shout “Get off my lawn!” to neighborhood kids), I must voice my hatred of this godawful song.

I was standing around at a Fourth of July party with some friends a couple weeks ago, and this song came on the radio. When I mentioned how much I hated it, a friend said, “Yeah, this is like the douchebag theme song.” Talk about hitting the nail on the head. Yes. That’s it exactly. I wish I’d thought of the phrasing myself. (Read more…)

Michael Jackson coverage: Enough already

I understand that Michael Jackson was huge and the passing of a pop icon is a big deal, blah, blah, etc. But the coverage of this event in the news has become nothing short of sickening. It’s a media feeding frenzy, and it’s ridiculous.

I don’t care what you thought of the guy as an artist or about the controversies and his strangeness later in life, or the where-there’s-smoke-there’s-fire allegations of his conduct with children. I don’t want to get into all that. I frankly don’t care. (Read more…)