So you’re the son of a bitch who’s been stealing my newspaper
The nerve of people. This just plain pisses me off. Every week — or close to it — one of my neighbors steals my Sunday newspaper, unless I get up early enough to take it before they can. Sometimes they leave me the front section and steal the rest of it (including all the ad inserts). More often, they take the whole damn thing. They never take my newspaper any other day (how nice of them). If I’m gone for the weekend and come back Sunday night, my Saturday paper will still be there, but I can rest assured that my Sunday paper will not. Obviously, they want the ads.
One of the many demerits of living in an apartment building — in addition to sharing walls and having sound leak from one unit to the next — is that, apparently, some people think that also means you share your Sunday newspaper and they are free to take it if you leave it there past 10 a.m.
In you are such a person, you need to STOP. If you don’t pay for the newspaper, don’t take it from someone who does. I don’t care if it sits there for four, eight, 16, even 24 hours. It’s not yours. Leave it where it is. If you take it, you are a rude, inconsiderate jerk. If I catch you, I will give you a stern talking to. I will call you rude to your face.
That doesn’t sound like much, but, really, it is. This isn’t a cartoon world where a stolen newspaper warrants an ass-kicking. In the adult world, getting caught stealing a newspaper and getting sternly reprimanded by one of your neighbors should be an embarrassing moment if you have any sort of neighborly conscience. Then again, if you had a conscience you wouldn’t be such an ass to take something that doesn’t belong to you every week.
It’s not like it’s a HUGE deal if they steal my newspaper. I work at the newspaper, so I can easily get myself another copy on Monday. But sometimes I want to be able to sit on my couch on a Sunday afternoon and read the Best Buy ad. Is that so much to ask?
In this case, it’s more a matter of cumulative annoyance. This inconsiderate ass has been stealing my newspaper nearly every Sunday for three or four months. I’ve reached the end of my rope. It’s a matter of principle. It needs to stop. At the same time, I can’t bring myself to go through the trouble of a stakeout or some other elaborate sting.
So, what I’ve settled on is the sabotage method. I’m going to set my alarm for 5 a.m. Sunday (which should be plenty early enough to get my paper before the thief does) and I’m going to swap out my paper with an old Sunday paper from three weeks ago. Inside that paper will be a very prominent, very unmissable note that will call this person out on their behavior. My hope is that this will set them straight and they’ll stop.
If not, then I’m dealing with a bona fide jerk-off, and I may need to come up with another plan. I just think that it’s sad that it has to come to this.
But I can’t silently take it anymore. The Dude minds. This aggression will not stand, man.
Bonus points to whomever guesses the quoted reference of the headline of this post.